You, Me & Toxic Positivity

“Just think about the positive things.”

“If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

“Good vibes only.”

Model: Polina Kovalova

If you have heard these phrases before you’re not alone. Most of us have been inundated with these positive messages on social media, billboards, and maybe even by our own loved ones. While the intentions behind these phrases maybe have been good, blindly speaking positivity without acknowledging the opposite can lead some to feel that they don’t have the permission to feel anything other than positivity. The opposite of positivity in this case isn’t necessarily negativity. But rather, a full spectrum of feelings that humans will naturally experience. However, expressing only positivity at all times is not necessarily the best medicine. If we had to sum this up in two simple words it would be called toxic positivity.

What is Toxic Positivity?

The Psychology Group defines toxic positivity as “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations that results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.” (1) This definition tells us that being positive is not inherently bad. In fact, it’s a good thing to have a generally positive outlook on life. The issue arises when we don’t allow ourselves, or others, to feel anything but positivity. As the definition mentions, humans live through entire emotional experiences. These experiences include joy, sadness, grief, contentment, disappointment, and anger. No matter how high these emotions rank on the so-called “positivity scale” we shouldn’t feel ashamed to feel them and feel them fully. Those positive emotions deserve the same space as the not-so-positive emotions. 

How Does Toxic Positivity Manifest?

The side effects of pushing toxic positivity maybe are invisible at first but they can have long-term effects. One of the main ways toxic positivity manifests is by blocking emotional growth. If we aren’t allowing ourselves to feel the full spectrum of our emotions, we can end mishandling them or, maybe worse, not handling them at all. Not only does this block our emotional maturity but this may spill out onto our loved ones and be released in waves of irritation and frustration. In that, we oftentimes end up glazing over the actual emotions we’re feeling and not dealing with the root cause. 

Toxic positivity can also manifest in the ways we handle others’ emotions. Have you ever had a friend come to you feeling disappointed, devastated, or just simply defeated? In those times, people often lean on the people they’re closest to for support and hope to feel comforted by their words or maybe even just by their presence. If they’re met with messages of toxic positivity, such as ”It could be worse” or “Everything happens for a reason”, they may leave the interaction feeling worse than when they came. The intention may be well-meaning but the effect can leave others feeling guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed for expressing their emotions. 

How Do We Counteract Toxic Positivity?

Let’s be honest. It’s not always comfortable to sit in the uncomfortable feelings. So it’s important to know that bouncing back with overly positive messaging is a very common thing to do. But if we want to be mindful about validating our own feelings, and others, it’s equally as important to give ourselves space to really sit with those emotions and see what comes up. 

If you are feeling so less than positive emotions coming on, also known as perfectly human emotions, try acknowledging it by name. Taking a moment to identify the emotions may take some time but it’s worth the pause. There may also be times where what you’re feeling simply doesn’t have an assigned name and that’s okay too. Whatever you do, take a pause to realize what you’re feeling before swatting it away without a second thought. Next, validate your feelings by telling yourself, “This is really hard and I’m allowed to feel ________ about it.” That blank is up to you to fill in. It doesn’t matter how you fill in that blank, just be sure that it is a truly honest statement with not an ounce of sugarcoating.

The same practice could apply to how we speak to our loved ones going through difficult times. Saying things such as “I understand why you are feeling that way” or “I hear you and I’m here to talk when you need me” will remind your loved ones that they do have the license to feel without any shame attached. Fully accepting those emotions for ourselves and helping others do the same may bring about even more painful feelings. But afterward we’ll be left with intangible emotional growth that no one can take away from us. All of our feelings, positive or otherwise, deserve the same permission and honor to be exactly what they are.