From Victimhood to Warrior Spirit
Hi my name is Shavonne and I was addicted to victimhood and my own shame. I never knew what it was like to be introduced by mutually bad experiences nor did I find any shame in what we know today as “trauma bonds.”
Trauma bonding is defined as “a psychological response to abuse,” according to Medical News Today, and, “occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who abuses them.” Trauma bonds are developed and manifested when the abused person gains sympathy and affection for abusers. Trauma bonds can become prominent when the dynamic of your relationships are comfortable.
Many abusers find folks with attachment issues stemming from abandonment. They create a space for dependency and use that as a means to manipulate. But this article isn’t for them, it’s for you. The person looking for a restart. Gasping for fresh air in their lungs, a new story, a new momentum, truth.
What happens when the abusers have left and you are the only person left? What do you call the lingering energy coursing through your body? The never ending criticism and self induced paralysis? It goes far beyond Stockholm Syndrome and way beyond the cookie cutter definitions. When cycles of abuse become a lifestyle, even after the experiences have been marred you find yourself in recurring circumstances because the anguish is more expected than the fruition of our joy.
It was summer of 2018, I cracked open a Monster Energy drink as my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was CK. He wanted to know how therapy went, what I learned and how I felt after. I didn't have the answer because the truth was I was numb. I felt everything yet nothing. I was in pain, yet empty. Three of the worst years of my life had passed, and still I grappled with being a survivor. The pressure of my truths weighed me down daily and despite all of my resources I was drowning.
I often would look at affirmation cards from my girl, Spirit Sahriel. It seemed she knew the truth about life and I had missed the message somewhere. I’d chant her saying so often every morning that eventually I began to believe it. I went from believing it to getting personal with myself and writing my own. I knew there was an opportunity for me. A moment of time that could not be forgotten.
I began to get serious about the work I was doing with myself. I quit my first therapist. I felt I knew everything and could do everything. I was consumed by the notion of change. I spent months being my own therapist, reading, studying, journaling, back sliding, breaking away and then I fell down again. This time the hole was deeper. I went back on my quest to find a new therapist, someone who felt like me, a little ratchet, a lot of holy and a big personality. I wanted someone who challenged my ideologies, and my experiences who held the mirror and the line in my life and when I found her I never looked back.
The key to breaking your own barrier is to know it exists and to dismantle your need to have it.Say it with me, “I am no longer a victim of happenstance, I am the owner of my story. I have the power to rewrite my story. The truth starts with and ends with me. Peace is mine. Love is mine. Euphoria is mine.”
ROBERT ALEXANDER
As a former victim, I often fought against labels but naming the experience or emotions can help put it away for good. If you are adamant about propelling forward and never going backwards here are some things you absolutely need to know:
Therapy is for everyone. Seeking resources to improve the quality of life is never a negative thing. You are not “crazy, weak or lost.” You are in a never ending transformation.
Religion and spirituality are your decisions to make. You cannot choose the path because someone else told you to, you must experience your relationship with God, your ancestors, whomever you believe in - yourself.
Freedom is a mindset and choice not a luxury. We all deserve to experience freedom and relish in our successes. When you hold on to the old you are holding yourself in captivity. I used to believe that letting go would put me in a position to be violated again, I learned that it freed me from hypervigilance and a multitude of triggers.
Guilt does nothing for you. Guilt is a trap. Guilt, shame and anger are a trap. They keep you from participating in enjoyment, bliss, pleasure, and happiness.
Prosperity is your birthright. No matter what story you tell yourself, suffering is not the end of your memoir.
The Warrior in me recognizes the warrior in you. Every battle that felt like a loss, is consistently gearing you up for triumph. It all starts and begins with you. The first step is not the only step but the journey is worth it. You must commit to reconciling with your past in order to have a future.