The Complex Rollercoaster of Pre-Grief
Some say that grief comes in 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But what about pre-grief or what experts often call anticipatory grief? What does it look like when you’re mourning someone or something before it’s even gone? If you’ve ever gradually lost a meaningful person or thing in your life, then you may not be unfamiliar with pre-grief.
Anticipatory grief is defined as “distress a person may feel in the days, months or even years before the death of a loved one or other impending loss” (1). Mental health experts also recognize that grief doesn’t only indicate the loss of people. Grief can also be associated with the loss of a close relationship, stable financial situation, a pet, or a pivotal chapter in your life.
Pre-grief can appear before any of these losses but it may manifest differently than grief, itself. You may feel guilt for imagining the event has already happened rather than living in the present moment. It’s not uncommon to be uncharacteristically irritable or short-fused during this time. It’s likely that you’ll even feel discontent in moments you would normally be happy due to the anxiety surrounding the inevitable end. These moments encapsulate just some aspects of the roller coaster that is pre-grief.
Navigating the anticipatory grief is painful, no matter the circumstances. However, there are ways to ease the hurt:
Soak up as much good as you can in the moment and let yourself stay there.
When you are anticipating a loss, your mind spends so much time trying to answer questions you couldn’t possibly have the answers to. For example, if your loved one is near passing, your mind may constantly try to answer the question, “What am I going to do when they’re gone?” This is a natural part of the process. However, an equally justifiable question is: “How can I cherish the time that we have left?” Maybe that means flooding your camera roll with videos and photos of your loved one or doing their favorite activities with them as much as possible. Reframing those questions to prioritize being present in the here and now, rather than the future, will offer a certain kind of peace.
Don’t keep a single emotion bottled up.
This advice is for the pre-grieving and the grieving periods. It’s so important to let yourself fully feel any emotions that are attempting to break through the surface. Some of them will feel uncomfortable but grief is not a comfortable emotion to sit with. Seeking a mental health professional to talk with is a proactive approach to sift through the array of emotions. Journaling about your feelings or simply talking to a trusted loved one is another way to release your feelings. No matter which option you choose, make it a priority to find someplace to house your thoughts. As mentioned, your mind is often oscillating between an infinite amount of questions which makes it more difficult to remain in the present.
When the event occurs, you are still allowed to fully grieve.
You may feel like you’ve been preparing yourself for the loss much before it occurred so you shouldn’t be as devastated when the actual moment arrives. But you deserve to grieve the event in its entirety even if you’ve envisioned it happening a thousand times. The fact of the matter is that there is no way to prepare for loss. Our minds do their best to protect us and keep us shielded from the pain. Yet, the loss can still feel catastrophic. Pre-grief doesn’t cancel out certain grief. You are entitled to experience both.
Grieving is one of the most arduous and inescapable facts of life. Depending on who or what we’re losing, it may feel different every time. Going through the process multiple times doesn’t necessarily make anyone “better” at grieving but it at least serves as a reminder that we have survived hard times before and we will survive them again. If you find yourself on the pre-grief rollercoaster, remind yourself that this, too, is something you will survive.